Why????

I am sure everyone ask this same question, but WHY ME?

I have been a fairly decent person my whole life. Yes I have done some bad shit, but never to hurt anyone.
Yes...
~I stole from one of my jobs. They weren't pay me enough to deal with the bullshit, and everyone I helped deserved it.
~ I cheated on boyfriends, but only when they asked for it.
~ I lied to my moms, but shit she's lied to me.
~ I take a CD from target, when I buy $100 or more. That's my bonus.

But so fucking what! I can not for the life of me understand WHY ME? Why do I have to get the shit stick in every situation. I live in a house that I fucking HATE! It is small, old, and just ugly. You have to sit on the toilet the wrong way just to use the bathroom, because the toilet hits the tub. The walls are plasiter, so you can not rub your hands over the wall. The kitchen countertops are from the 1900's and have stains to prove it. The dishwasher came from the 1800's and it is so ugly that I have a picture just sitting in front of it. There are gold fixtures throughout the house, and my clothes & shoes hanging in the laundry room. We moved here to fix our money issues; since the rent is $650. While I live here, my mom lives in my first house enjoying my labor. My career is not what I want either. I work all THE FUCKING TIME! Giving everyone else a sense of peace and enjoyment, and then I have to go back to my life. I go to my clients homes, and wonder how did they get so lucky? My daughter goes to one of the uppyist schools in Richmond. And of course I have to go to all her events by myself and listen to those women talk about their Nanny's, their Vacation houses, their Family wealth, their great bodies after 5 Kids, and I still have to smile. I am FUCKING TIRED of the play. The show! This silly rerun of my pitiful life. Where does the shit end? Sometimes I wonder if I hadn't got married, I'd still be motherless, living in a great place, driving a great car, getting my hair, nails, and toes done on a regular, eating out, and while still not gaining a pound. But no, I fall in love, had a baby, started this normal, average, oops below average life. Why me? I believe some people are just meant to be the middle... and guess what, I guess I one of those people. I hate this. I hate my life. I hate Fridays. I hate you too.

Sometimes I wonder why men and women are so different.

"Come eat breakfast with me." Sure. The food I cooked, the dishes I washed.

"Come eat dinner with me." Oh, well I'm a little busy. See this video game is more important than eating dinner with you. Regardless of the upcoming week, knowing that we don't get to really spend anytime together.

Shit sitting down like a real family is a fucking joke. The only thing he's on time for is fucking.

Where is the husband that doesn't mind eating with you?
Where is the husband that enjoys a Sunday with his wife?
Where is the husband that really valves Q.T.?

When you see him, ask him if he'll come eat dinner with me.!?

Just sometimes when the wind blows...

I get a little sad, because I miss my free hair. Yes, it's true my locks are also free, but I could argue that my hair was free before.

No products,

No tricks,

No extra.

It was my natural hair... Curly! All other the place, and when the wind would blow, my hair would dance. It parties a little different these days. I actually do more to my hair no then I did before it was natural. I'm trying everything to keep it tangled, so that it will lock. Gel's, oils, butters, creams, whatever.

It's just a little annoying at times that's all. And sometimes I wonder, it is more natural... freedom or training of freedom?

Just a nose.

This morning I woke up without my nose ring. So I planned my whole day around getting a new one so that my face would be complete. But before my nose adventure begin, I was hit in the face with my husbands other personality. The unhappy, never smiling, insecure other side of him. He even looks different. At the present moment in my life, I am surrounded by people who are so unhappy, that I completely disconnect myself from them. I can't do this/ it anymore. Other people's feeling are draining me, pulling the spark that I have left out. In this time, that I need a real partner, I feel unattached.

I smile more with strangers. Laugh more at my own thoughts. I have a happier family in my dreams. This was one of the 1st months in a while where I was actually able to pay ALL my bills. Even the one's that I didn't plan on paying. And still no sigh of relief shared. When will it happen, if not now?

My body is screaming for happiness, and I'm headed that way with or without the people who claim to love me.

And to return back to my nose story. I found a great twin to my lost nose ring. A spider with a white sparkly in the middle. Paid $17 for one little nose ring. But I liked it, and it made me SMILE to have it. Then when I picked up my daughter from school, I didn't have her lunch box, so she decides to hit me in the face. (Yes my 3yr old) And you know what happened? Yep, I lost my new nose ring. I wasn't leaving that spot until I found it. I was actually in the middle of a fairly busy street crawling on the ground looking for this tiny spider. And after yelling, swearing, and almost giving up, a sparkle hit my eye. It was my tiny spider. We found each other, and all was well in my universe...

A LIVING GIFT!