I haven't wore a bikini in 6years at least. But I actually put one on!
Monday, June 28, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
How did I get here???
I ask myself that question a few times a day?
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"
Sometime it refers to my husband, sometimes my daughter, sometimes a job, sometimes a class and sometimes just because. Lately my life has been a puzzle, that I am completely clueless in solving. To start, I am completely not excited about my life. My husband and I are on two totally different paths. I actually see the difference in us, & the difference in what we want. I do not want the life he will give me. I don't want predictable, stable, stale, boring, and safe. I can actually time my entire day with this man. He never goes against the grain, he plays by the rules... plain a simple! My daughter is driving me BANANAS!!!!!! She fights me all the time, she doesn't listen, she acts out, and I think she was actually created to destroy me. And to put a cherry on top of this she is only 4YRS OLD! My husband never has my back, he;ll let her get away with murder. Example: right at this very minute, he is cleaning her pissy bed. She decided to just lay in bed a be lazy (mind you I just read a bed time story) and not 5 minutes out of her room she pisses in the bed. Instead of getting up out of bed a going to the bathroom, she does what she wants to do... So I told her "You sleep in it!" But no Daddy to the rescue. He's in there cleaning her up while she listens to the Chipmunks cd and sings. The life! Neither one of them is convincing me to stay in this role. Motherhood & Wifey sucks! Look I'm just being honest. There is no shame in saying I feed the fuck up. I have told my husband I just need sometime alone. Maybe I should take a alone vacation, just to get my mind right. But I'm still sitting here.
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"
With a career that I love that won't pay my bills. Yoga is my passion, and I love to teach, but maybe it's not a job.
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"
11lbs heavier than before. I have been trying to get back to post baby weight since 2006. I started at 137lbs and now... well I'm not there!
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"
To not being that sexy bitch I use to be. I use to get hit on everyday! Everyday! Now, let's just say, not so much. I use to be happy to be me. Almost stinking about it... Full of myself! And that is a great thing. Knowing that I am everything, and no one can top me. It's a gift to feel full of happiness in yourself. Now, I really hate looking in mirrors. I'm so judgemental on myself. Everything could be changed, be better.
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"
VA???? I am soooooooooooooooooooooo ready to go. I mean ready! I have thought more than I care to admit, packing up my bags, and taking a taxi to the airport. Leaving a lovely letter for my husband, saying "I love you, but I need to leave." I really dislike Richmond VA. I have done it! Now I am done. But again, my husband is holding me here. Because he never goes against the grain... he is safe.
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"
To writing my madness on a blog for no one to read. To being so sad that I don't like to see myself. To only smiling in a yoga class. You know that's the only time I actually feel normal. Not in the arms of my partner, or with my daughter throwing herself on the floor, or even in my car. Yoga class... that's it.
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"
Crawling on the floor looking for my last nose ring that has just fell out again, from blowing my nose with this stupid summer cold.
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"
Always have a negative balance in my bank account. What???? I have 4 jobs. I'm not kidding! And I still always broke. WTF???
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"
Not having my own space anywhere! My husband has his own room (man/art room) my daughter has her own room, & my husband has his own car. Me... no! I can't even go to the bathroom without company. My husband uses my car, and never returns the seat back, & changes my cd's. The living room is where he plays stupid video games (what grown ass man plays video games? women don't play with barbies!) The den upstairs is where she watches cartoons, and leaves her food leftovers, and then they both have a room each downstairs that's theirs.
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"
I have no clue, but I promise I will not be here for long.
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"
Sometime it refers to my husband, sometimes my daughter, sometimes a job, sometimes a class and sometimes just because. Lately my life has been a puzzle, that I am completely clueless in solving. To start, I am completely not excited about my life. My husband and I are on two totally different paths. I actually see the difference in us, & the difference in what we want. I do not want the life he will give me. I don't want predictable, stable, stale, boring, and safe. I can actually time my entire day with this man. He never goes against the grain, he plays by the rules... plain a simple! My daughter is driving me BANANAS!!!!!! She fights me all the time, she doesn't listen, she acts out, and I think she was actually created to destroy me. And to put a cherry on top of this she is only 4YRS OLD! My husband never has my back, he;ll let her get away with murder. Example: right at this very minute, he is cleaning her pissy bed. She decided to just lay in bed a be lazy (mind you I just read a bed time story) and not 5 minutes out of her room she pisses in the bed. Instead of getting up out of bed a going to the bathroom, she does what she wants to do... So I told her "You sleep in it!" But no Daddy to the rescue. He's in there cleaning her up while she listens to the Chipmunks cd and sings. The life! Neither one of them is convincing me to stay in this role. Motherhood & Wifey sucks! Look I'm just being honest. There is no shame in saying I feed the fuck up. I have told my husband I just need sometime alone. Maybe I should take a alone vacation, just to get my mind right. But I'm still sitting here.
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"
With a career that I love that won't pay my bills. Yoga is my passion, and I love to teach, but maybe it's not a job.
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"
11lbs heavier than before. I have been trying to get back to post baby weight since 2006. I started at 137lbs and now... well I'm not there!
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"
To not being that sexy bitch I use to be. I use to get hit on everyday! Everyday! Now, let's just say, not so much. I use to be happy to be me. Almost stinking about it... Full of myself! And that is a great thing. Knowing that I am everything, and no one can top me. It's a gift to feel full of happiness in yourself. Now, I really hate looking in mirrors. I'm so judgemental on myself. Everything could be changed, be better.
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"
VA???? I am soooooooooooooooooooooo ready to go. I mean ready! I have thought more than I care to admit, packing up my bags, and taking a taxi to the airport. Leaving a lovely letter for my husband, saying "I love you, but I need to leave." I really dislike Richmond VA. I have done it! Now I am done. But again, my husband is holding me here. Because he never goes against the grain... he is safe.
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"
To writing my madness on a blog for no one to read. To being so sad that I don't like to see myself. To only smiling in a yoga class. You know that's the only time I actually feel normal. Not in the arms of my partner, or with my daughter throwing herself on the floor, or even in my car. Yoga class... that's it.
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"
Crawling on the floor looking for my last nose ring that has just fell out again, from blowing my nose with this stupid summer cold.
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"
Always have a negative balance in my bank account. What???? I have 4 jobs. I'm not kidding! And I still always broke. WTF???
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"
Not having my own space anywhere! My husband has his own room (man/art room) my daughter has her own room, & my husband has his own car. Me... no! I can't even go to the bathroom without company. My husband uses my car, and never returns the seat back, & changes my cd's. The living room is where he plays stupid video games (what grown ass man plays video games? women don't play with barbies!) The den upstairs is where she watches cartoons, and leaves her food leftovers, and then they both have a room each downstairs that's theirs.
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"
I have no clue, but I promise I will not be here for long.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
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