Who said?

Who said that marriage was the greatest thing next to sliced bread, because they are liars? As my life, heart, and maybe even my future have been affected tremendously in the last week, I actually thought that us talking it out would fix things, but somehow my stupidity has shown up again. My husband believes that I make him the bad guy. LMAO!!! It is hilarious to think about considering I'm the one who puts the work into this marriage. In our 3 hour long fight, tears (just me of course), and compromising (just me again) I have realized this nigga is not going to change. He isn't going to fix shit, and I'm either going to just deal with it, or leave. See his list of complaints is that I don't let him breathe… he's actual words.

1. I don't like that he plays video games. Yes, this is true. They are stupid. They don't do anything to help anyone. And it wouldn't be so bad if he did it occasionally, or maybe just for an hour or so, but this ass wipe will play for 5, 6 hours at a time. Like right now, where the fuck do you think he is. He is in the living room holding the TV hostage, because he's been playing video games since 10:30 this morning. And I aint lying.
   
2. I don't let him do anything he use to: like go to the gym, or play basketball. First off, I work for a fucking gym. This asshole is more than welcomed to come with me, and he knows it. Sometimes I use to ask him to go, and he'd make up some random ass excuse to stay home. I would love for him to go play basketball, that way he could take his daughter with him, and give me some time to actually think. But he's lazy ass is too busy playing video games on the couch getting skinner. Yes skinner.
   
3. I hate when he draws. That is a fucking lie. I support his art 100%. I'm the one who sends out his resume and bios so that he can get gigs. I am the one who spent $368.20 on art supplies to support him doing that. I am the one who let him set up his art studio in the dining room, where I have to look at the junkie shit everyday to support his creative flow.
   
4. The porn! My major hurdle with him. He claimed this time it was because I pissed him off, because I was upset that he let me and my daughter go to a family picnic without him, so that he could stay home I'm sure to play video games, and look at internet porn.
   

But I'm the bad guy, because I don't let him breathe.

I am completely confused as to what I should do. On one hand, I want to walk away. I know that I would need to get another job to support my daughter and me, and then the divorce would more than likely get ugly, because we both like to be right. Then my daughter would have to be without her father. She loves him. She has something I never had, and that's a family with mommy and daddy. She would have to leave her private school education, and I couldn't spend as much time with her as possible because I'd be working to cover our life. On the other hand, I'll be stuck in a marriage that will never really make me happy, because this nigga will never change, and grow the fuck up. I can hope, but she is a selfish bitch, and she always leaves you hanging out to dry. I thought about cheating on him, getting somebody that would spend the time with me, enjoy me as a woman and not a mother, and a maid. But I'm really not into fucking. My husband makes me do it or else… its porn time. So I have to fuck or he'll do it again. So then if I was cheating more than likely I'd need a gay guy who wouldn't want to fuck, but loves to spend time with me, shop, go dancing, and occasionally rub my booty. I like that. So if anyone happens to read this and think they fit the bill… call me.

Maybe I just need some time alone. Maybe I need to refresh myself. Look at myself through some rose colored glasses, and enjoy being a woman again without my husband and daughter. Maybe I should just go on a vacation by myself. Maybe I should leave my husband for a while, and then he might realize what a great wife, partner, friend, and supporter I am to him and then he'll fix the bullshit. Maybe I'll do nothing but write to you. Maybe I'll be one of those old women that have no passion in their eyes, and no smile in their soul because I stayed for the children' and the comfortable life style. Maybe I just need to accept that what I want I'll never have, and what I thought I was getting never arrived. Who said love was fun? I wish I was the old me again, having fun, talking to whoever I wanted, getting free shit all the time, full of life, men trying to holler all the time, happy, young, spontaneous, happy, free! Who said life was what you make it? I try to make it work and every time I get slapped in the face. I am really tired. I am. I have emotionally broken down, and I see myself quitting. Who said strength keeps you going? Who said…?

LOST

I sit here with a broken heart. I feel like my heart has been kicked and spit on at the same time. You were suppose to be my best friend, my partner, my favorite man and somehow you've managed to show me that all men are the same. That there really is no Hope, that she is an evil bitch that get's off on hurting people. I cannot trust you, every time I look into your eyes I see the lies you keep trying to hide from me. I feel tricked, betrayed, foolish, and downright stupid because I actually believed you when you said you were going to quit.

Why do you keep hurting me?

I have asked you to stop, but you continually chose your porn addition over me. I have told you how it makes me feel, how it affects the way I feel about you, how it makes me feel about our relationship, and you still chose to lie to me, leave our bed to do what you do.

Why did I get married?

Because I thought I met the man of my un-dreams. I thought you came from the universe to prove to me that there really are good men out there. But I was wrong. You are just a man, and I am just a woman and we are just to fools playing this silly game that WILL END. There will not be a forever for us. MTA means nothing to me anymore, and every time you say it… I hear "you will never be enough." I can't believe I am here again. I can't believe you let me down again. Damn, I don't know my loving you can carry us any further. I will never look at you the same. Never.

Wow

Life is the strangest thing. Sometimes I wake up completely not ready for my day, and other days I can't sleep because I'm that ready.

In the last few weeks my life has taken me every which way but ...

My husband had a great show that opened up last Friday. He was shinning the entire nite. It was great to see him like that.

My daughter has tripled her energy in the past two weeks, and is hell bent on taking me down. She's the smartest little person I know. And she grows everyday. I am amazed that she belongs to me.

I actually have a savings account. Yes really, and it has money in it. YEAH BABY!!!

My hair isn't growing. This is actually the first time in my life that I waiting on my hair to grow. It's crazy.

I know myself more than I ever have, and it's cool to accept who you are. I really believe that my life is about to change, and this time I ready for whatever. So bring it on!

Hello.

Goodbye.

Sometimes I tend to cry. But I'm happy with who I am.

Just wanted to say... GOD DAMN!