I actually put one on!!!

I haven't wore a bikini in 6years at least. But I actually put one on!

How did I get here???

I ask myself that question a few times a day?
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"

Sometime it refers to my husband, sometimes my daughter, sometimes a job, sometimes a class and sometimes just because. Lately my life has been a puzzle, that I am completely clueless in solving. To start, I am completely not excited about my life. My husband and I are on two totally different paths. I actually see the difference in us, & the difference in what we want. I do not want the life he will give me. I don't want predictable, stable, stale, boring, and safe. I can actually time my entire day with this man. He never goes against the grain, he plays by the rules... plain a simple! My daughter is driving me BANANAS!!!!!! She fights me all the time, she doesn't listen, she acts out, and I think she was actually created to destroy me. And to put a cherry on top of this she is only 4YRS OLD! My husband never has my back, he;ll let her get away with murder. Example: right at this very minute, he is cleaning her pissy bed. She decided to just lay in bed a be lazy (mind you I just read a bed time story) and not 5 minutes out of her room she pisses in the bed. Instead of getting up out of bed a going to the bathroom, she does what she wants to do... So I told her "You sleep in it!" But no Daddy to the rescue. He's in there cleaning her up while she listens to the Chipmunks cd and sings. The life! Neither one of them is convincing me to stay in this role. Motherhood & Wifey sucks! Look I'm just being honest. There is no shame in saying I feed the fuck up. I have told my husband I just need sometime alone. Maybe I should take a alone vacation, just to get my mind right. But I'm still sitting here.
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"
With a career that I love that won't pay my bills. Yoga is my passion, and I love to teach, but maybe it's not a job.
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"
11lbs heavier than before. I have been trying to get back to post baby weight since 2006. I started at 137lbs and now... well I'm not there!
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"
To not being that sexy bitch I use to be. I use to get hit on everyday! Everyday! Now, let's just say, not so much. I use to be happy to be me. Almost stinking about it... Full of myself! And that is a great thing. Knowing that I am everything, and no one can top me. It's a gift to feel full of happiness in yourself. Now, I really hate looking in mirrors. I'm so judgemental on myself. Everything could be changed, be better.
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"
VA???? I am soooooooooooooooooooooo ready to go. I mean ready! I have thought more than I care to admit, packing up my bags, and taking a taxi to the airport. Leaving a lovely letter for my husband, saying "I love you, but I need to leave." I really dislike Richmond VA. I have done it! Now I am done. But again, my husband is holding me here. Because he never goes against the grain... he is safe.
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"
To writing my madness on a blog for no one to read. To being so sad that I don't like to see myself. To only smiling in a yoga class. You know that's the only time I actually feel normal. Not in the arms of my partner, or with my daughter throwing herself on the floor, or even in my car. Yoga class... that's it.
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"
Crawling on the floor looking for my last nose ring that has just fell out again, from blowing my nose with this stupid summer cold.
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"
Always have a negative balance in my bank account. What???? I have 4 jobs. I'm not kidding! And I still always broke. WTF???
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"
Not having my own space anywhere! My husband has his own room (man/art room) my daughter has her own room, & my husband has his own car. Me... no! I can't even go to the bathroom without company. My husband uses my car, and never returns the seat back, & changes my cd's. The living room is where he plays stupid video games (what grown ass man plays video games? women don't play with barbies!) The den upstairs is where she watches cartoons, and leaves her food leftovers, and then they both have a room each downstairs that's theirs.
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"
"HOW DID I GET HERE?"
I have no clue, but I promise I will not be here for long.

mY GIRL ... LooKIng AWEsomE

Our Sex & the City Night..... SUPER LATE

Sex & the City 2... More

And the count down continues...

SEX & THE CITY MADNESS!!!

We all know that I LOVE Sex & the City! Those ladies have gotten me thru some times. And helped me to say super Hot in a regular life. So for the next 5 days... everything will be S&TC related. =)

Get it SJP! She looks amazing!

SUNSET BROWN PERFORMS

MY BFF'S BAND

My girl is BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kelis - MTV Shows

Single life

Let's be honest, it's nice to be single.
I hear the cries for a partner, and the need to have someone there when it's to dark, but it's nice being single.

Wondering what brought this one? Jetblue. Yes, Jetblue the airlines.

There having this great sale, allowing you to fly for $10 each way. So course me being me, I jumped up and started looking for tickets anywhere. I found some! Me, my daughter & husband could have flown to Boston. MA for $64.59. And what was my husbands response... silence. His stupid look of it's not happening. Why? What's wrong with jumping when life allows you too? What's wrong with going somewhere with no destination, just because you can? When I was single, I had a great life. I traveled just because I was bored. I ate out almost every night of the week. Everything was fun. Dancing, parties, happy hour, friends, mini mini vacations, and a clean house. I miss the freedom of single life. Now everything is planned, scheduled, & approved. I have to fight with my husband just to go to the ballet. It just fucking sucks that freedom really goes away with marriage. And don't get me wrong I LOVE my family, but I also loved my single life. She aided me date nights, cute clothes, free movies, and a quite night when I wanted it.

Single life is like a one night stand. We all have done it, and maybe even lied about it. But the thrill is forever lustful, and welcomed. We all want that feeling to never leave, but we know it's a short thing and well you just can't live with a one night stand... she likes freedom. And I have settled down.

I sit here in a dark room, upset that my tomorrow is already planned & I know that plane will leave without me. FUCK!!!!!

Body Maddness

Lately I have noticed that I feel different. With my studio gone, I don't have many places to practice my yoga. Sure in my yard, or in my bedroom, but they all feel like home. When I practice I want to feel like I'm in peace; a space that keeps me clean, and untouched. But with my practice becoming limited I feel fat. I feel soft. So I did the worst thing I could do to myself, I weighed myself. Yes! Self inflected torture. And yes, you know it... I gained 3lbs. Now sure I know your thinking 3lbs, this chick is crazy, but 3lbs reminds me that I can become what I fear. Since I have started my yoga practice not only has my spirits changed, my body as changed too. I use to be the thick friend... a sneakers away from fat. But I have worked hard at being smaller, and more peaceful. But I know that 1lb can take me to a place where not only I have gained weight, but now hating myself. Not eating, or just plain being evil to me. Yes, being evil to my own self. Those 3lbs brought back everything I thought I'd gotten rid of. I thought I was free from being critical of me, I thought I was okay with myself, now I know... Still a work in progress should be hanging from my neck.

The Greatest Person in the world turned 4 today! She makes my life complete. She is the Sunshine that touches my life.

Mommie Luv's u!

Move

The need to move is crushing my brain. I feel trapped and even though I keep screaming to be rescued no one comes to my aid. I have told my husband on more than a few occasions that I have just grown tired of this city. I have seen it all, I have lived everywhere; downtown, southside, the county, the country, the burg and still I am not being released. I feel like the only way I may get any freedom is to leave... leave my husband. Because he ain't leaving here. I am in love with him, but not in love with my life here.
So I posed the question, is there a place where settling is not settling, but changing your wants?

I want to go.
He won't move fast enough for me.
What do I do?
Give up on happiness, and just stay with a fake smile,
or leave the man of my dreams?

See it in my hands

All things are possible if I hold it in my hands first!

Sit there...

Have you ever been somewhere

and you know it's not where you should be?

I am there

right now.

Sitting in a chair

that is sucking my happiness out of my back side.

Who said that this place would help me?

And help me with what?

Money,

that's it.

I needed it to fix my situation.

Broke.

But this place that is in the middle of madness

before making a right at crazy town

and a quick left at "going bananas"

has me

just

sitting there.

Looking lost

wondering how can I leave

without being noticed.

I guess

I'll just be sitting here

sitting there...

Wish

I wish I could tell you why I feel so sad.

But I wish I could really tell you

why,

I am lying about telling you.

For I know why I am sad.
I am just not ready to say.

So I will hold on to this sadness

for as long as I can bare it,

and then

I will let go.

I wish I could leave,

and never look back.

But I am dizzy

and have no sense of direction out of here.

I wish I wasn't lost.

I wish I had the guts to move on without

quiting.
I wish I knew
how to
stop

wishing.

Cold

I'm wet,

and inside the fluid is freezing up.

A colorless liquid runs down my thigh,

and I'm surprised to see you.

Let's say no words

just enjoy this moment.

Right here...right now.