I try...

I try not to speak ill on people, but some how it doesn't work for me.

And...

I really try not to talk about celebrities, not only do we hear enough about those losers that have obviously sold their souls to the asshole of the universe; but I just hate so many of them.

However sometimes there a need.

WTF is this?

Oh' it's Michael Jackson when he takes off his mask. This is a HOT MESS!!!!! PERIOD!!!!

Just one of those days...

It has really been one of those days. Where I feel completely useless and keep asking myself; WHY am I HERE????

Every day there is something else that needs to be fixed, need to be paid for, needs...needs...needs. When does the wants happen? When will I be able to live the life that I know I deserve. I do something everyday for someone else, and rarely is it returned.

Today I sat at the park, and just zoned out for about an hour. Saying nothing. Thinking nothing. Just zoned out, in my middle place. And in the return back to this shitty planet, I had to ask myself: what am I here for? I have never saved a life. Never cured one. Never encouraged the masses. Never started a revolution. I never even see outside of the US, and still I wake everyday to the same schedule in every way.

I am feed up, and tired of doing what I should do because society says so.
Pay your mortgage,
pay to eat,
pay to breathe,
pay to learn,
pay to teach,
pay...pay...pay.

I am going to scream
WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT THEEEEE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!
SSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!

I feel a little better.
I guess it's just one of those days.

OPEN

I have been open and full of life for a while, but today I feel full.

I just recently learned that my father left me & my sister some money and I don't want to take it. That is not what I want from him. I wanted a relationship, and daddy to chat with, and role model. And now with this new find it makes his death real for me. It burns, and I have cried more than I like to admit. So now, I am stuck...

What do I do?

My family could really use it, but have no idea what to really do with it. We really want to move to give our daughter a fresh start, a school system where she will really thrive. A fresh start for me to try new things. My husband wants to go back to school. What do we do? Where do we go?

I just know I'm open with a lot of everything, and I just want to run and fly away.

WTF

THIS IS A DAMN SHAME!!!!

"Everybody wants to be black, but don't nobody want to be black." Paul Mooney

This makes me sick. So much self hatred that people would sell their souls to be something other than what they really are... Black! See looks like the NANNY!!!!!

BYTCH... You're going to be SINGLE!

Yes, this is it. The truth. Some women are STRAIGHT CRAZY! I mean down right "saboteur's" to their own lives. They love to be swallowed by depression and loneliness so that they can be hugged by their own evil ego. It is a sickness that is hard to watch, and almost unbearable to take in.

It is hard for me to truly understand that more than a few women are down right "UNLOVABLE!" That no matter how hard someone tries, he/she will fail, because the "saboteur" is on the loose and ready to run amok!

I have decided in my life I am going to right a book about why, so many of you will be.... SINGLE .

"BYTCH... You're going to be SINGLE! And it's only your fault. People can only take so much of somebody elses craziness, after that either one of two things happen:
1. They go SNAPPED on you... need I say more.
or
2. BYTCH... You're going to be SINGLE!

I have never seen so much unhappiness around so many beautiful people. But now I realize...

ATL

The ride was long. Really not affecting me personally, but it hit hard to the hubbie, and baby. But the arrival was sweet, and rewarding. Nice to see a smiling face from a dear friend... sister. Welcomed by a clean, but unfinished place. Walls still white from the newness of a purchase, but still a sense of style laying throughout the place. A blunt of happiness passed quickly among the three of us, before graced with a tiny persons presence.

Sunshine woke a sista up, with the help of a tiny finger pushing up my nose. And then we're off to see the city and old friends who have connected with new one's. Sight seeing, driving, eating, shopping, hand holding, parks, lots of pictures, and great sex. WOW! It's nice to feel new again.

Our lives are so scheduled in our hometown that it's great to feel freedom, and rest with love, and style. She also helped spark my hubbie's interested in freedom, art, and the connection we use to have.

"Feeling on my booty... my boo-oo-oty."

ATL you were a gift to us all. I'm not sure if it was the fresh air, the ride there, or even just that we got away from our daily, but I will never forget it, and can not thank you enough.

My little secret

Sometimes...

I wish I still had the weakness to smoke a cigarette. Yes, I know there horrible for your body. Yes, I know I teach yoga, and a positive life style. And Yes, I know it stinks... but sometimes I miss it. I mean the sheer feeling of being pissed off, and your in a space where you can't light up a blunt, or it's to early to have a drink, that's when I could be smoking a death wish wrapped in chocolate favored paper.

I always sneak on every year or so. Just one, and then I'm cool, but it's a nasty habit, I just can't seem to forget about.

BAD GIRL!!!! BAD GIRL!!!!
Yes, I'm ashamed

Loving it...

As some of you may know.... I started locking my hair in OCT 2008. It has been crazy, but I'm loving every second of it. It really makes me feel free and completely connected to myself. There is a small reward I receive everyday when I look at MYSELF.

I LOVE ME!!!!

Mindless dribble

I'm lonely when you're around.

You're here, but I can't see you.

There's a voice, but it's not familiar.

Our romance use to be story like, now I'm either blind, or your invisible.

There is a presence sourly lingering throughout my apartment, it's leaving a funky smell.

You're calling me,

but I know I'm here alone.

As usual!

Walking…pacing…looking…calling…it feels unreal.

No one ever lived here with me.

Loneliness has always been here,

I just made you up.

Oops even in my mind you're an asshole.

 

Umm Yeah...

In my journey to be a better person, I have found that people generally don't like "HAPPY PEOPLE!"

Whenever I'm really happy, smiling, singing, enjoying my Starbucks people keep asking me... "What are you so happy for?' Like it's a crime! I try to practice my yoga not only in the studio, or at home, but in my daily life.
When I drive,
call bill collectors,
speak to my daughter,
disagree with my husband...
you know life! But for some reason people like to steal my joy. My happiness! I know that I've said this many times, but what is with the happy thief's? Why are them bastards always out on the prowl? Even the smallest thing can be turned into something so ugly. Like a cheerful Hello, can be turned into a eye roll... or me bringing my own green bags to target, can be turned into..."Excuse Miss, you can not use that bag as a shopping cart," basically calling me a thief. I try really hard everyday to smile. To sing. To practice my yoga. To meditate. To love openly, and to listen even when my ears have cut off. So why isn't that same feeling returned?

I can not answer that... That's why I am just venting. writing.